{This is How November Went}

It didn't.

Not Happiness Project-Wise, anyway.

But really, that depends on how you look at it.

A little before half-way though November, I dropped all of my November Attitude goals. I still tried to keep up with the daily prayer and scripture study, but I let all the others go for a new, broader goal:

I needed to stop being so hard on myself.

It's really become an issue.
Well, it's been an issue for forever, but it's never affected me to this degree before. I've been in a funk for the past who-knows-how-long, and self-criticism really isn't helping.

I go to Church every Sunday...and the lessons make me miserable. The teachers ask for examples, and people give them, and all I'm thinking is "I'm not like that. That's how I'm supposed to be." They read the quotes for the lesson, and all I'm thinking is how far I feel from whatever the right thing to be is. I used to participate in class - I was the one giving examples. But I haven't been saying much lately. I have nothing to say.

I do school work, and I don't understand it, and I think of when everything was easy for me. When I didn't have to put much effort into anything to get it right.

I'm comparing myself to others, but not nearly as much as I'm comparing myself to a better me.

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I've kinda let this take over, and everything else just...falls out of place.
I'm casual about my work ethic. School work is HARD, so I work slowly, trying to get it, and give up easily, resulting in all-night-ers to get everything done on time. I'm always exhausted.
I'm casual about serving others, or even really thinking of them at all. I'm focused on ME-pitiful little ol' me.
I'm casual about my prayers. Truly sincere prayers where I feel that closeness with my Father have been few and far between.
I'm casual about my scripture study. I can't remember the last time I sat down and had a legit study session, where I felt the Spirit while I was reading.

Obviously those last two are the root of my problem.
Ever since this funk started, I've been putting extra effort into looking nice every day. My reasoning is that since I feel so awful, it'll only make it worse if I look awful, too. If I look cute, I'll just feel the normal level of awful. If I had taken that time to instead put extra effort into praying and reading my scriptures, how much better off would I have been?

Everybody can tell, too. I hate pity. But I get it anyway, because I have a face incapable of hiding emotion. When I'm miserable, everyone knows. I can smile and say that I'm fine...but this face of mine. Frustrating.

And the worst part is, I've had to hit this low before finally addressing the problem and making a conscious effort to fit it.

Thus, my December goals:
Study like a boss. I'm pulling out the old scripture journal. It's getting written in EVERY. DAY. Dusting off my patriarchal blessing. Spending 30 minutes every Sunday with Preach My Gospel. Getting some Personal Progress done. Finishing the Book of Mormon by the new year.
Pray like Enos. If you don't know the story, simple version here. My prayers are important, and I need to treat them so. I need to dedicate entire prayers to simply giving thanks, frequently.

I've got this.

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Lord, help me overcome myself.